what are we so ashamed of? they slobber on each other in public. they invented covid. and yet we, some 50 years after the great queer reckoning, are ashamed to see each other in the light of day. we came here to sum, but what’s happened is that we’ve revealed ourselves too much to each other: what we like, how we like it. and what if we really just want to hold each other because the boogeyman still scares us? what if the boogeyman was the only man who loved us? dark and faceless. this combination of fear and love shaped the way we fuck now: secret, silent. and what of fear and love? on one side there is danger, paranoia, regret. on the other joy, comfort, laughter. but these are just words. how do we really show the experience of these feelings? words can do what we want, but only so much. just like sex. and what exactly does sex do for us? does it keep the boogeyman away? or does it conjure his spirit, conjure his essence: the original form of love and fear packaged as 21st century romance?

1 large blush pink blanket 1 20 fl oz bottle of baby oil 2 free lifestyle condoms 1 pair of black rim glasses 1 black tin water bottle 1 copy of fabulous by madison moore 1 yellow highlighter 1 black durag 1 tooth brush 1 .8oz tube of parodontax toothpaste 1 2.6 oz thing of secret gel deodorant 1 iphone charger 1 iphone 11 1 1.75 oz container of cocoa butter vaseline 1 lime green bandana 1 3 fl oz tube of vanicream facial moisturizer 3 pairs of gold hoops, varying diameters and thickness 1 umbrella

can i be your little play thing? the thing you do just for recreation? i swear i am entertaining and even you couldn’t complain. i don’t care how you use me, just care that you do. could it be true that wanting you this way might kill me? might set me back a few decades, might dismantle the advancement of the feminist movement and the black power movement, might shatter the image i was building for myself, might expose me, uncloth me, leave me open, yet untouched? can i be your little play thing? i am as firm and round as the balls you play with all day with in the breeze you’re such a tease and you know at any moment i’d be on my knees. can i please be youre little play thing? i beg you. pick me up, dust me off, put me back on the shelf when you’re done.

i always get mad at the white man who told me that life is all about power. he is right, but he didn’t tell me that there are different kinds of power: erotic, sexual, submissive, ratchet, ghetto, hood, slutty, ho-ish. black women and black femmes taught me that.

my investment banker boyfriend was bred on wall st. he signs his checks with a crystal pen. he wears armani on mondays, gucci on sundays, and prada everyday in between. he does not love me and i never asked him to. i only want his status. i only want to be the random drunk white girl in the photo, clinging to him. my investment banker boyfriend does not talk about anything that interests me, unless, of course, he is speaking of the interest in my portfolios. he argues with no one about crypto and efts. for a date, he balances spreadsheets and drinks a protein shake, which means it’s really a work meeting. i guess this is what i get for asking him what his credit score was when we met on tinder. it was as if i asked him the size of his dick. he mistakes me for a financial nerd like him. i can no longer keep up the act. my investment banker boyfriend needs to know this important thing: the more he rejects me, the more i will love him. it’s 6am now: i must go watch him get ready for work. ready to chase the market, ready to crunch numbers, ready to get shitfaced at 10am.

my investment banker boyfriend comes home from work my investment banker boyfriend comes home from wall street, drained from a day of scheming various american financial institutions. he says bro, this is what he calls me, i got good news today. due to the cost reductions in oil, the stocks we sent up got spent. i tired to nod like i know what’s going on i am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. i ask my man, i heard natural gas futures went up more than 10% today, what do u think caused it? he pauses, thinks, he likes questions like these, and says, most likely the russia/ukraine situation. he has been using that as an excuse recently. ill ask him to do the laundry and he says he cant because of the russia/ukraine situation. i ask him what does he want for dinner he says, anything to keep his mind off of the russia/ukraine situation. i say, will you walk to central park with me, he says, the russia/ukraine situation makes him afraid of parks. i told him that trump was running for president again, i ask what were his thoughts. he says, no matter what, you always have to think as an investor and put politics to the side. i wish i knew how to do that. he is by the window in the chair he likes to sit in, glancing on the parking lot below. he is fascinated by a blue tesla that looks like most teslas he says bro, i can get it for you when my sales go through. he doesn’t know that all i want is his distant affection. he says, bro, long island city is getting so crazy expensive, everybody is getting pushed out further. is he suggesting we should move? my investment banker boyfriend only socializes in llc some common phrases of his: michelin stars making budgets 15 central park west goldman sachs retail segment west 33rd street my investment banker boyfriend is worried about the shortage of tech cybersecurity jobs and the fact that hospitals are run by high paid CEOs just like any other business. my investment banker boyfriend is afraid of the market bottoming. he says when the market bottoms, he’ll bottom. when it’s cloudy in new york city, sometimes your apartment is above the clouds. when he leaves to grab drinks with friends i try to find him in the gray. the oven dings. the pot roast is ready.